I avoid this day like the plague. I hate getting my hair cut. If you're like most of us, getting a haircut feels like the worst decision of your life. I go through a range of emotions that are just so draining. So today I want to talk about my experience and hopefully get over my heartbreak with all the things we're thinking, but don't want to say.
For my day off, I thought I would go in and get my hair cut at a very well known hair salon. I don't want to mention names because I'm not in the business of ruining anyone's reputation, especially if many people have great experiences there. This year I wanted to grow out my hair so I could style it with these luscious curls all these women have. I thought, yeah.... I want that too! Here I am, early July, and I'm dying with this hair. I decided I would go back to the A-Line Bob. Definitely one of my favorites. It makes me feel cute and it thins my hair out. I happen to have EXTREMELY thick hair. It sucks BAD! My hair was also past my shoulders at this point.
The woman who wasn't my usual stylist (because my usual stylist doesn't work there anymore) asked me what I wanted. I told her an A-Line Bob. I began to tell her, my hair is extremely thick so I'd also like it thinned out quite a bit. I told her usually my hair goes through what people call hair cut shock. After a cut, my hair puffs out at the ends and it gets even thicker. I told her my previous stylist used the razor to avoid that. She asked if I had a picture of what I wanted. I told her yes and proceeded to show her. The hair of the model in the picture had a pretty drastic A-line bob. It was gorgeous. She asked me if I wanted it shorter or longer than the picture. I said, just like the picture. She said it would be easy to do with the length of my hair. I thought, perfect!
She washed my hair and began cutting. She was friendly, made casual chit chat, and made sure she didn't yank my hair when she combed it. So she finally finished the cut and I thought, huh... that doesn't look right. However, I assumed it would look better as soon as she began styling it. However, she did not. I asked, were you going to style it? And she looked at me confused and said, "No, we don't do that here." I asked that if I paid more, if she could. She refused and sent me on my way. That should have been my first red flag!!! I paid for my cut coming out pretty bummed out. I tipped her well over 20%. I wasn't quite sure if the hair was correct or not since it wasn't styled. And, I can't really take it out of her tip if they don't style the hair. I gave her the benefit of the doubt there. Besides, when my hair starts drying, it starts to curl up. So, it's difficult to tell exactly what happened.
I got home and styled my own hair. As I straightened and styled it myself, the dread doomed in. My hair was far from that beautiful A-line bob I wanted. Instead, I had received a short hair cut and she had cut it completely straight. I think she made a mistake, but didn't want to own up to it. Recalling the experience, she never gave me a mirror to look at the back. Perhaps she didn't know how to do the A-line bob and didn't want me to know? Either way, it was disappointing. At least I don't look like crap.
The next day, I realized how ugly my haircut was. It felt heavy when it should have felt lighter. It was a complete furball even after brushing it. I was pretty butt hurt when I went to work and my friends were telling me, holy shit she fucked up bad! They said the cut looked nothing like an A-Line and on top of that, it wasn't even on both sides with length. I went to the salon and asked for a refund. It was actually kind of a hassle because they wanted to make sure the cut was indeed messed up. After 3 hairdressers checked my hair, they offered to fix it. I told them no. I said, you guys messed up it once, I can't afford to look like crap. They reluctantly said okay, never apologized and sent me on my way. I ended up going to get it fixed with another hairdresser the following day. Even she told me the cut was pretty messed up. In order to fix it and give me the dramatic A-Line I wanted, she needed to take it up higher. I told her okay. It was pretty short but it finally looked cute and thin!
Now, for some hairdressers, their response would be, you should have said something at the beginning. Here's the reason we lowly people do not let you guys know we hate our hair cut. For one, you've already cut our hair shorter than what it was. "Fixing" the haircut will require re-cutting it and making it even shorter than it already was! If we wanted it that short, we would have said so at the beginning. Another thing, you may become upset (we're all human, don't deny it doesn't happen) and think "Well, I messed this up, there goes my tip. Why even bother now." We're not trying to make you feel that way. Hence, why I still tipped well even though I wasn't 100% happy.
So this happens very often in our lives. It really sucks. The nice thing to take away from this is that hair will always grow back. So while we may hate our hair for the time being, it will grow back and we can always try again. Sometimes your end up loving it the next day. But, when you don't, don't be afraid to go back, get it fixed or ask for a refund. Many people want to shame you, but the fact of the matter is that they don't have to go around feeling unhappy due to a shitty haircut. So do what makes you happy!
Sunday, July 9, 2017
Monday, July 3, 2017
Trying to Conceive #1
Hello Blog World!
So this week starts a somewhat important week for me in the baby making process. It's ovulation week. It's also my final cycle of trying to conceive on my own without seeing a specialist. I've decided and it's final!
I'm at this point where we've tried everything! We bought one of those sperm count test kits for my boyfriend to test his junk. I'm taking prenatals to get my body used to them and to hopefully obtain the vitamins it could be missing. I'm measuring my basal body temperature and I'm using all the apps to get the recommendations.
The boyfriend and I are both taking fertility blends who everyone swears by! They say they're the more "natural" way of getting pregnant instead of going to Clomid or Serophene. However, I have yet to see any results in a positive pregnancy. I've been taking them for roughly 5 months now. I will say that they are pretty fantastic in many other ways! So, the first day I took them, I felt somewhat of a cramp on my left side which was weird. But, other than that I really found no discomfort. As I continued to take them (3 a day), I found myself more and more energized. So, I really enjoyed that. As per usual, to my disappointment, Aunt Flow came for her monthly visit. However, her visit was not as unpleasant as usual. I'll be elaborating some on that so....
*TMI on it's way, so read ahead if you'd rather avoid! If you haven't left yet, you asked for it!*
When I first started getting my monthly visits, they were awful. The cramps were so unbearable, I would lay in bed for hours. I ended up taking acetaminophen to relieve the pain the first 2 days. My flow was ridiculously heavy for all 7 days and extremely irregular. As I became sexually active, my visits were more bearable and more regular. They were expected on the particular day at 8 a.m. The day before Aunt Flow shows up, I require a bag of hot Cheetos with cheese desperately. I don't know what it is, but that's the first sign. Day 1 of Aunt Flow's visit is usually light with cramps. Day 2 becomes heavy along with Day 3. Day 4 and 5 lighten up and Day 6 and 7 is just spotting. So with these Fertility Blends Aunt Flow comes for only 5 days, 6 max. Day 1 is spotting with Day 2 relatively heavy (however, not as heavy as usual). Day 3 and 4 it's really light and Day 5 is spotting. Day 6 sometimes will be extra spotting. Finally, the best part NO CRAMPS!!!
*TMI IS OVER, you may continue reading*
The Fertility Blends were also great when it came to eating. I'm usually hungry ALL THE TIME. However, they curved my hunger quite a bit. I'm sure that's partially the prenatals too. My body has a lot of the required vitamins needed now, so I don't feel the need to add all that food to get my vitamins.
So we've tried everything that's in our control at this point. So this cycle is particularly special. If I don't get pregnant this time, I'm seeing a specialist. Part of the steps towards that is that this cycle, I've committed to drinking a gallon of water a day. I drink water for sure, but not that much. It's definitely a struggle. I'm also exercising which is the world struggle for me to date. I HATE to exercise. I would much rather be sitting in front of the TV, snuggled up with the boyfriend, and eating whatever the hell I want! Everyone talks about the endorphins when exercising, but I can't seem to get to that point. It depresses me if anything. Last week I worked out one day and I was sore for the entire week! I figured I better get my body used to it. So I stopped that week until it didn't hurt anymore. I'm back at it this week starting today, but I hate it. Maybe once I get into the groove, I'll enjoy it. Who knows. Yuck. (haha)
After this cycle, we're planning on buying that Yo Sperm Kit. My boss at work showed me a video of it and what it does. It's actually really cool and it provides privacy for men to see what's going on with their junk! So, you order this kit for $49.95. It includes a mini microscope that attaches to your cell phone and 2 tests to test your sperm motility. So here's the dealio, you get to see the sperm motility through the mini microscope through your phone. There's an app you download so it guides you on how to do the test and actually see your swimmers in real time! So when it comes to fertility checks, they can definitely be crazy expensive. This test kit helps minimize just a little when it comes to that. You'll be able to save the video of the little swimmers and show it to your fertility specialist and hopefully avoid too many expensive tests.
For the women who go through these lengths in trying to conceive, you go through all these range of emotions some people will never understand. Once Aunt Flow says her goodbyes, you get super excited to start trying again. All the sex! It's always fun for us. I look forward to it so much. The boyfriend and I have very opposite work schedules. So we don't always have time. Therein lies the fun for me. I like to come home after a shift (he's usually asleep because he works an 8-5 job) and surprise him. Ha! I mean, it's always so much fun! He does the same too every once in a while! After all the sex, you start to get more excited. It's almost time to start testing to see if you're pregnant. You get so excited, you buy a bunch of pregnancy tests you don't really need! You test early even though you're not supposed to. It's negative, duh. Okay, okay, it's negative, but I tested early. It's probably a false negative! So, you test the day before Aunt Flow's visit. Negative. Okay, it's probably still a false negative. Aunt Flow is late! Another negative. False negative, it has to be! Aunt Flow is finally here. Depression. Of course I'm not pregnant. Why would I be? I don't need all these pregnancy tests now. Oh, so and so is pregnant. Man. It's so easy for everyone. She says they weren't even trying. Damn. So and so said she's pregnant now. She always said she didn't want kids. What the hell? God must have a very sick sense of humor. Okay, no I didn't mean that. Please, I just don't understand how everyone else has kids so easily. What's wrong with me? And it's just a vicious cycle. Back and forth, back and forth.
My words to this is, I know it's hard. And it sucks so bad. I'm not even going to lie, but I felt angry with myself so many times. But, I'm trying to learn to be easy on myself. I'm not an awful person for some of the things I think or say. So try to be kind to yourself during this process. It's easier said than done, but you're entitled to feel sad, angry, desperate, confused, happy. People will tell you that it will happen in time, to stop trying, to not think about it, that's it's not God's will right now, that be lucky that you're not experiences the pregnancy symptoms your friend is, and so many other things. You just want to punch them in the face or slap them. Be kind to yourself. It's okay to feel that way. These are the people who will never understand what you're going through. This is a struggle but we are all warriors in this life. We can rise and we can survive it.
So this week starts a somewhat important week for me in the baby making process. It's ovulation week. It's also my final cycle of trying to conceive on my own without seeing a specialist. I've decided and it's final!
I'm at this point where we've tried everything! We bought one of those sperm count test kits for my boyfriend to test his junk. I'm taking prenatals to get my body used to them and to hopefully obtain the vitamins it could be missing. I'm measuring my basal body temperature and I'm using all the apps to get the recommendations.
The boyfriend and I are both taking fertility blends who everyone swears by! They say they're the more "natural" way of getting pregnant instead of going to Clomid or Serophene. However, I have yet to see any results in a positive pregnancy. I've been taking them for roughly 5 months now. I will say that they are pretty fantastic in many other ways! So, the first day I took them, I felt somewhat of a cramp on my left side which was weird. But, other than that I really found no discomfort. As I continued to take them (3 a day), I found myself more and more energized. So, I really enjoyed that. As per usual, to my disappointment, Aunt Flow came for her monthly visit. However, her visit was not as unpleasant as usual. I'll be elaborating some on that so....
*TMI on it's way, so read ahead if you'd rather avoid! If you haven't left yet, you asked for it!*
When I first started getting my monthly visits, they were awful. The cramps were so unbearable, I would lay in bed for hours. I ended up taking acetaminophen to relieve the pain the first 2 days. My flow was ridiculously heavy for all 7 days and extremely irregular. As I became sexually active, my visits were more bearable and more regular. They were expected on the particular day at 8 a.m. The day before Aunt Flow shows up, I require a bag of hot Cheetos with cheese desperately. I don't know what it is, but that's the first sign. Day 1 of Aunt Flow's visit is usually light with cramps. Day 2 becomes heavy along with Day 3. Day 4 and 5 lighten up and Day 6 and 7 is just spotting. So with these Fertility Blends Aunt Flow comes for only 5 days, 6 max. Day 1 is spotting with Day 2 relatively heavy (however, not as heavy as usual). Day 3 and 4 it's really light and Day 5 is spotting. Day 6 sometimes will be extra spotting. Finally, the best part NO CRAMPS!!!
*TMI IS OVER, you may continue reading*
The Fertility Blends were also great when it came to eating. I'm usually hungry ALL THE TIME. However, they curved my hunger quite a bit. I'm sure that's partially the prenatals too. My body has a lot of the required vitamins needed now, so I don't feel the need to add all that food to get my vitamins.
So we've tried everything that's in our control at this point. So this cycle is particularly special. If I don't get pregnant this time, I'm seeing a specialist. Part of the steps towards that is that this cycle, I've committed to drinking a gallon of water a day. I drink water for sure, but not that much. It's definitely a struggle. I'm also exercising which is the world struggle for me to date. I HATE to exercise. I would much rather be sitting in front of the TV, snuggled up with the boyfriend, and eating whatever the hell I want! Everyone talks about the endorphins when exercising, but I can't seem to get to that point. It depresses me if anything. Last week I worked out one day and I was sore for the entire week! I figured I better get my body used to it. So I stopped that week until it didn't hurt anymore. I'm back at it this week starting today, but I hate it. Maybe once I get into the groove, I'll enjoy it. Who knows. Yuck. (haha)
After this cycle, we're planning on buying that Yo Sperm Kit. My boss at work showed me a video of it and what it does. It's actually really cool and it provides privacy for men to see what's going on with their junk! So, you order this kit for $49.95. It includes a mini microscope that attaches to your cell phone and 2 tests to test your sperm motility. So here's the dealio, you get to see the sperm motility through the mini microscope through your phone. There's an app you download so it guides you on how to do the test and actually see your swimmers in real time! So when it comes to fertility checks, they can definitely be crazy expensive. This test kit helps minimize just a little when it comes to that. You'll be able to save the video of the little swimmers and show it to your fertility specialist and hopefully avoid too many expensive tests.
For the women who go through these lengths in trying to conceive, you go through all these range of emotions some people will never understand. Once Aunt Flow says her goodbyes, you get super excited to start trying again. All the sex! It's always fun for us. I look forward to it so much. The boyfriend and I have very opposite work schedules. So we don't always have time. Therein lies the fun for me. I like to come home after a shift (he's usually asleep because he works an 8-5 job) and surprise him. Ha! I mean, it's always so much fun! He does the same too every once in a while! After all the sex, you start to get more excited. It's almost time to start testing to see if you're pregnant. You get so excited, you buy a bunch of pregnancy tests you don't really need! You test early even though you're not supposed to. It's negative, duh. Okay, okay, it's negative, but I tested early. It's probably a false negative! So, you test the day before Aunt Flow's visit. Negative. Okay, it's probably still a false negative. Aunt Flow is late! Another negative. False negative, it has to be! Aunt Flow is finally here. Depression. Of course I'm not pregnant. Why would I be? I don't need all these pregnancy tests now. Oh, so and so is pregnant. Man. It's so easy for everyone. She says they weren't even trying. Damn. So and so said she's pregnant now. She always said she didn't want kids. What the hell? God must have a very sick sense of humor. Okay, no I didn't mean that. Please, I just don't understand how everyone else has kids so easily. What's wrong with me? And it's just a vicious cycle. Back and forth, back and forth.
My words to this is, I know it's hard. And it sucks so bad. I'm not even going to lie, but I felt angry with myself so many times. But, I'm trying to learn to be easy on myself. I'm not an awful person for some of the things I think or say. So try to be kind to yourself during this process. It's easier said than done, but you're entitled to feel sad, angry, desperate, confused, happy. People will tell you that it will happen in time, to stop trying, to not think about it, that's it's not God's will right now, that be lucky that you're not experiences the pregnancy symptoms your friend is, and so many other things. You just want to punch them in the face or slap them. Be kind to yourself. It's okay to feel that way. These are the people who will never understand what you're going through. This is a struggle but we are all warriors in this life. We can rise and we can survive it.
Monday, June 26, 2017
Pregnancy #1
Hi everyone!
I, like so many other women, am having trouble trying to conceive. So, I thought I would write my experiences through this and hopefully suffer through with others, encourage, and let some women know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
These type of stories are always so difficult to begin for the fear of giving too much information to strangers. However, as part of my goal of finding myself through love, I have to embrace that the person I am comes from every little thing that is me. And who knows, maybe I'm the one that's not alone too!
My boyfriend and I, we found out we were expecting back in March 23rd 2016. Aunt Flow was a week late on her monthly visit. I didn't immediately expect to be pregnant. I assumed she was just late! Aunt Flow was never late for me. She always shows up the expected day at 8 am. This time, I knew there was a possibility that she could have been late because my body was completely out of whack. I had kidney stones back in January and spent two days in the hospital. I couldn't eat without throwing up for roughly 1.5 months after the visit. The drugs they gave me for the pain were making me depressed and sick all the time so it was hard to hold down food. The second week of March, I had finally come off of living off juice, water, and crackers and was starting to eat more whole food. So back to Aunt Flow. I took a pregnancy test just to rule out the possibility and reassure myself that she was just late. Surprise, surprise! The pregnancy test was positive! I thought, this can't be possible? I bought roughly 3 more tests from the Dollar Tree. POSITIVE, POSITIVE, POSITIVE. I was overjoyed! When my boyfriend came home, I showed him. He's always been a skeptical guy. He's had a million and one women in his past who wanted to reel him in with pregnancies so his first response was, "Let's go get you checked with a doctor." Not that he thought I was trying to trap him, in this case... just that he wanted to make sure. March 23rd, we walked into Lovelace who gives free pregnancy tests! (In case no one knew that! They're highly accurate as well!) Positive! We were overjoyed! Our little angel had an expected due date of November 8, 2016! This was my first child and I couldn't contain my excitement!
Around April, I was experiencing mild morning sickness. Baby only made me sick when he/she was hungry. If I ate right away, the nausea would go away. I had changed my lifestyle for baby. I was eating healthy to ensure he/she would get the right nutrients. I took my prenatals everyday. I wanted everything to be perfect for my angel. I was reading about the first, second, third trimester. I was saving money for his/her arrival. And, while I was working I maintained my stress levels low. My mind was on baby and that's all I could think of! April 9, 2016 I decided to let the world know. I was only 10 weeks at the time. (I know what some of you are thinking, but we'll return to that in a while). I posted our announcement on Facebook. I thought it was witty and adorable! My boyfriend and I were wearing our Raiders and 49ers jerseys respectively, and were holding up a sign that said Drafting November 2016. We wanted to make it UFC related, however we didn't have the gear for that! People were excited for us and I was just so overjoyed!
April 15, 2016 I started spotting. I freaked the hell out! No, no, no, no, no. I looked through my books and spotting can sometimes occur during implantation. I tried to tell myself, that's what it is. I started reading up on miscarriages immediately. Everything said to look for bleeding that was soaking through pads, which was not happening to me. If you feel any sharp painful cramps, that was probably a miscarriage. Not me either. Okay, calm down. You're acting crazy now, it's just a few drops of blood when I wipe. Nothing to worry about. Saturday on the 16th came and it had gotten relatively more than spotting. Not enough to soak a pad, but I was seeing too much blood for comfort. I went to the ER. After 6 hours of testing and waiting, someone finally came to talk to me. The doctor told me not to worry that it wasn't "heavy" bleeding and that I was only 6 weeks? I was confused. There was no way. But, I took comfort in the fact the doctor said everything was okay. Besides, stress is not good for the baby, right?
April 22, 2016, I had my first prenatal visit. I was excited, happy, and nervous for it! I was hoping maybe I'd be able to hear a heartbeat. I was still bleeding slightly at the time too. By then, I was trying to put on my happy face so I wouldn't hurt the baby with my stress. Got to the Ultrasound Tech who was doing my ultrasound. It was pretty awkward. She didn't say much. The only thing she said was, "Looks like there's some changes your doctor will have to talk to you about." Of course, I got somewhat nervous. And if any of you know, techs are not allowed to tell you anything. It's always the doctor. So my visit finished up and I was sent home. At around 6 pm while I was home, I received a phone call from my doctor to discuss my visit. The changes the tech saw were not good news. I had lost my baby. I thanked the doctor for her condolences and hoped she had a good day. My boyfriend came in the room and asked how everything went. I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. "I... it didn't make it." The rest were tears. I couldn't stop crying. I thought relationship heartbreaks were the worst, but this right here. This was the worst pain I ever felt. I can't even begin to explain how much my heart shattered. The doctor had to be wrong. No, they're not wrong. That was all the bleeding. It had to be a miscarriage. I was right. I was.... right.
I hated myself for weeks after. I hated being around people. I hated what people were saying to me. I stayed home when my boyfriend wanted to go hang out with his friends and family. I stopped eating. I became angry. Women who use drugs constantly get pregnant. Women who abuse their children are blessed with children. Women who never do anything for their children because they're just a burden. They all are able to carry their babies full term. And me? I did the right things. I loved my baby without even hearing his/her heartbeat. My friends were saying stupid things like, Oh, there's always next time! You're young, you can just have another one! Tell me every single detail! God didn't think you were ready. God only gives you what you can handle, you'll come back from this! Well, it wasn't really a baby yet. And the worst slap in the face came from my own boyfriend who said, "This is why you don't tell people until after the first trimester." I became angry with him. How could he??? Why isn't he as upset as me? What the hell is his problem!!!
We went to see our couples therapist who we had been seeing for a while prior to the pregnancy. I sat there quietly. Hating myself and the fact that other women are blessed so easily. When he finally brought up the pregnancy she (our therapist) asked me how I was feeling now. I stared at her as the tears streamed down my face and said nothing. She handed me tissues and began to tell me about her story. She had roughly 10 miscarriages before she became pregnant with her children. I dropped my guard. She knew. She understood what I was feeling. She talked about the anger she felt. The awful things people said to her. "People are insensitive after a miscarriage. Especially those who have never experienced a miscarriage." And she was right. They are. However, just as she stated, I learned that it's not their fault they are insensitive. They just don't know. I finally opened up as she finished talking about her experience and told her what my boyfriend had said to me and added, he was right. He was right. I should have kept my mouth shut until at least the second trimester. I was excited about my baby and I wanted the world to be excited with me. But he was right. I should have waited. I told my therapist that I felt angry with my boyfriend because he didn't seem to be upset. He was living life normally while I felt broken, hid in my home, and avoided talking to anyone. I told her, he doesn't understand. To which she told me, you're right. He doesn't. How can he? He will never experience what it's like to carry a life inside him regardless of whether or not you can feel it moving. Whether or not you can see it. Men will never understand. That's why he can continue to live his life. My boyfriend, I'm sure, felt like an ass. He stated he was upset. I believed him. I just knew he could never understand the level of pain I was feeling.
I got better after 5-6 months. Started living life again. I was hanging out and talking with my friends again. Although to be honest, I still feel some anger occasionally. My boyfriend and I are actively trying to have a baby now. It's been a little over a year since the miscarriage. No positives at all. We have since bought our own house in the hopes of raising a family in it. My relationship with my boyfriend has gotten stronger since, but the baby making process is pretty difficult. That, I believe is better saved for another blog.
I, like so many other women, am having trouble trying to conceive. So, I thought I would write my experiences through this and hopefully suffer through with others, encourage, and let some women know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
These type of stories are always so difficult to begin for the fear of giving too much information to strangers. However, as part of my goal of finding myself through love, I have to embrace that the person I am comes from every little thing that is me. And who knows, maybe I'm the one that's not alone too!
My boyfriend and I, we found out we were expecting back in March 23rd 2016. Aunt Flow was a week late on her monthly visit. I didn't immediately expect to be pregnant. I assumed she was just late! Aunt Flow was never late for me. She always shows up the expected day at 8 am. This time, I knew there was a possibility that she could have been late because my body was completely out of whack. I had kidney stones back in January and spent two days in the hospital. I couldn't eat without throwing up for roughly 1.5 months after the visit. The drugs they gave me for the pain were making me depressed and sick all the time so it was hard to hold down food. The second week of March, I had finally come off of living off juice, water, and crackers and was starting to eat more whole food. So back to Aunt Flow. I took a pregnancy test just to rule out the possibility and reassure myself that she was just late. Surprise, surprise! The pregnancy test was positive! I thought, this can't be possible? I bought roughly 3 more tests from the Dollar Tree. POSITIVE, POSITIVE, POSITIVE. I was overjoyed! When my boyfriend came home, I showed him. He's always been a skeptical guy. He's had a million and one women in his past who wanted to reel him in with pregnancies so his first response was, "Let's go get you checked with a doctor." Not that he thought I was trying to trap him, in this case... just that he wanted to make sure. March 23rd, we walked into Lovelace who gives free pregnancy tests! (In case no one knew that! They're highly accurate as well!) Positive! We were overjoyed! Our little angel had an expected due date of November 8, 2016! This was my first child and I couldn't contain my excitement!
Around April, I was experiencing mild morning sickness. Baby only made me sick when he/she was hungry. If I ate right away, the nausea would go away. I had changed my lifestyle for baby. I was eating healthy to ensure he/she would get the right nutrients. I took my prenatals everyday. I wanted everything to be perfect for my angel. I was reading about the first, second, third trimester. I was saving money for his/her arrival. And, while I was working I maintained my stress levels low. My mind was on baby and that's all I could think of! April 9, 2016 I decided to let the world know. I was only 10 weeks at the time. (I know what some of you are thinking, but we'll return to that in a while). I posted our announcement on Facebook. I thought it was witty and adorable! My boyfriend and I were wearing our Raiders and 49ers jerseys respectively, and were holding up a sign that said Drafting November 2016. We wanted to make it UFC related, however we didn't have the gear for that! People were excited for us and I was just so overjoyed!
April 15, 2016 I started spotting. I freaked the hell out! No, no, no, no, no. I looked through my books and spotting can sometimes occur during implantation. I tried to tell myself, that's what it is. I started reading up on miscarriages immediately. Everything said to look for bleeding that was soaking through pads, which was not happening to me. If you feel any sharp painful cramps, that was probably a miscarriage. Not me either. Okay, calm down. You're acting crazy now, it's just a few drops of blood when I wipe. Nothing to worry about. Saturday on the 16th came and it had gotten relatively more than spotting. Not enough to soak a pad, but I was seeing too much blood for comfort. I went to the ER. After 6 hours of testing and waiting, someone finally came to talk to me. The doctor told me not to worry that it wasn't "heavy" bleeding and that I was only 6 weeks? I was confused. There was no way. But, I took comfort in the fact the doctor said everything was okay. Besides, stress is not good for the baby, right?
April 22, 2016, I had my first prenatal visit. I was excited, happy, and nervous for it! I was hoping maybe I'd be able to hear a heartbeat. I was still bleeding slightly at the time too. By then, I was trying to put on my happy face so I wouldn't hurt the baby with my stress. Got to the Ultrasound Tech who was doing my ultrasound. It was pretty awkward. She didn't say much. The only thing she said was, "Looks like there's some changes your doctor will have to talk to you about." Of course, I got somewhat nervous. And if any of you know, techs are not allowed to tell you anything. It's always the doctor. So my visit finished up and I was sent home. At around 6 pm while I was home, I received a phone call from my doctor to discuss my visit. The changes the tech saw were not good news. I had lost my baby. I thanked the doctor for her condolences and hoped she had a good day. My boyfriend came in the room and asked how everything went. I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. "I... it didn't make it." The rest were tears. I couldn't stop crying. I thought relationship heartbreaks were the worst, but this right here. This was the worst pain I ever felt. I can't even begin to explain how much my heart shattered. The doctor had to be wrong. No, they're not wrong. That was all the bleeding. It had to be a miscarriage. I was right. I was.... right.
I hated myself for weeks after. I hated being around people. I hated what people were saying to me. I stayed home when my boyfriend wanted to go hang out with his friends and family. I stopped eating. I became angry. Women who use drugs constantly get pregnant. Women who abuse their children are blessed with children. Women who never do anything for their children because they're just a burden. They all are able to carry their babies full term. And me? I did the right things. I loved my baby without even hearing his/her heartbeat. My friends were saying stupid things like, Oh, there's always next time! You're young, you can just have another one! Tell me every single detail! God didn't think you were ready. God only gives you what you can handle, you'll come back from this! Well, it wasn't really a baby yet. And the worst slap in the face came from my own boyfriend who said, "This is why you don't tell people until after the first trimester." I became angry with him. How could he??? Why isn't he as upset as me? What the hell is his problem!!!
We went to see our couples therapist who we had been seeing for a while prior to the pregnancy. I sat there quietly. Hating myself and the fact that other women are blessed so easily. When he finally brought up the pregnancy she (our therapist) asked me how I was feeling now. I stared at her as the tears streamed down my face and said nothing. She handed me tissues and began to tell me about her story. She had roughly 10 miscarriages before she became pregnant with her children. I dropped my guard. She knew. She understood what I was feeling. She talked about the anger she felt. The awful things people said to her. "People are insensitive after a miscarriage. Especially those who have never experienced a miscarriage." And she was right. They are. However, just as she stated, I learned that it's not their fault they are insensitive. They just don't know. I finally opened up as she finished talking about her experience and told her what my boyfriend had said to me and added, he was right. He was right. I should have kept my mouth shut until at least the second trimester. I was excited about my baby and I wanted the world to be excited with me. But he was right. I should have waited. I told my therapist that I felt angry with my boyfriend because he didn't seem to be upset. He was living life normally while I felt broken, hid in my home, and avoided talking to anyone. I told her, he doesn't understand. To which she told me, you're right. He doesn't. How can he? He will never experience what it's like to carry a life inside him regardless of whether or not you can feel it moving. Whether or not you can see it. Men will never understand. That's why he can continue to live his life. My boyfriend, I'm sure, felt like an ass. He stated he was upset. I believed him. I just knew he could never understand the level of pain I was feeling.
I got better after 5-6 months. Started living life again. I was hanging out and talking with my friends again. Although to be honest, I still feel some anger occasionally. My boyfriend and I are actively trying to have a baby now. It's been a little over a year since the miscarriage. No positives at all. We have since bought our own house in the hopes of raising a family in it. My relationship with my boyfriend has gotten stronger since, but the baby making process is pretty difficult. That, I believe is better saved for another blog.
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