Pregnancy #1

Hi everyone!
   I, like so many other women, am having trouble trying to conceive. So, I thought I would write my experiences through this and hopefully suffer through with others, encourage, and let some women know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
   These type of stories are always so difficult to begin for the fear of giving too much information to strangers. However, as part of my goal of finding myself through love, I have to embrace that the person I am comes from every little thing that is me. And who knows, maybe I'm the one that's not alone too!
   My boyfriend and I, we found out we were expecting back in March 23rd 2016. Aunt Flow was a week late on her monthly visit. I didn't immediately expect to be pregnant. I assumed she was just late! Aunt Flow was never late for me. She always shows up the expected day at 8 am. This time, I knew there was a possibility that she could have been late because my body was completely out of whack. I had kidney stones back in January and spent two days in the hospital. I couldn't eat without throwing up for roughly 1.5 months after the visit. The drugs they gave me for the pain were making me depressed and sick all the time so it was hard to hold down food. The second week of March, I had finally come off of living off juice, water, and crackers and was starting to eat more whole food. So back to Aunt Flow. I took a pregnancy test just to rule out the possibility and reassure myself that she was just late. Surprise, surprise! The pregnancy test was positive! I thought, this can't be possible? I bought roughly 3 more tests from the Dollar Tree. POSITIVE, POSITIVE, POSITIVE. I was overjoyed! When my boyfriend came home, I showed him. He's always been a skeptical guy. He's had a million and one women in his past who wanted to reel him in with pregnancies so his first response was, "Let's go get you checked with a doctor." Not that he thought I was trying to trap him, in this case... just that he wanted to make sure. March 23rd, we walked into Lovelace who gives free pregnancy tests! (In case no one knew that! They're highly accurate as well!) Positive! We were overjoyed! Our little angel had an expected due date of November 8, 2016! This was my first child and I couldn't contain my excitement!
   Around April, I was experiencing mild morning sickness. Baby only made me sick when he/she was hungry. If I ate right away, the nausea would go away. I had changed my lifestyle for baby. I was eating healthy to ensure he/she would get the right nutrients. I took my prenatals everyday. I wanted everything to be perfect for my angel. I was reading about the first, second, third trimester. I was saving money for his/her arrival. And, while I was working I maintained my stress levels low. My mind was on baby and that's all I could think of! April 9, 2016 I decided to let the world know. I was only 10 weeks at the time. (I know what some of you are thinking, but we'll return to that in a while). I posted our announcement on Facebook. I thought it was witty and adorable! My boyfriend and I were wearing our Raiders and 49ers jerseys respectively, and were holding up a sign that said Drafting November 2016. We wanted to make it UFC related, however we didn't have the gear for that! People were excited for us and I was just so overjoyed!
   April 15, 2016 I started spotting. I freaked the hell out! No, no, no, no, no. I looked through my books and spotting can sometimes occur during implantation. I tried to tell myself, that's what it is. I started reading up on miscarriages immediately. Everything said to look for bleeding that was soaking through pads, which was not happening to me. If you feel any sharp painful cramps, that was probably a miscarriage. Not me either. Okay, calm down. You're acting crazy now, it's just a few drops of blood when I wipe. Nothing to worry about. Saturday on the 16th came and it had gotten relatively more than spotting. Not enough to soak a pad, but I was seeing too much blood for comfort. I went to the ER. After 6 hours of testing and waiting, someone finally came to talk to me. The doctor told me not to worry that it wasn't "heavy" bleeding and that I was only 6 weeks? I was confused. There was no way. But, I took comfort in the fact the doctor said everything was okay. Besides, stress is not good for the baby, right?
   April 22, 2016, I had my first prenatal visit. I was excited, happy, and nervous for it! I was hoping maybe I'd be able to hear a heartbeat. I was still bleeding slightly at the time too. By then, I was trying to put on my happy face so I wouldn't hurt the baby with my stress. Got to the Ultrasound Tech who was doing my ultrasound. It was pretty awkward. She didn't say much. The only thing she said was, "Looks like there's some changes your doctor will have to talk to you about." Of course, I got somewhat nervous. And if any of you know, techs are not allowed to tell you anything. It's always the doctor. So my visit finished up and I was sent home. At around 6 pm while I was home, I received a phone call from my doctor to discuss my visit. The changes the tech saw were not good news. I had lost my baby. I thanked the doctor for her condolences and hoped she had a good day. My boyfriend came in the room and asked how everything went. I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. "I... it didn't make it." The rest were tears. I couldn't stop crying. I thought relationship heartbreaks were the worst, but this right here. This was the worst pain I ever felt. I can't even begin to explain how much my heart shattered. The doctor had to be wrong. No, they're not wrong. That was all the bleeding. It had to be a miscarriage. I was right. I was.... right.
   I hated myself for weeks after. I hated being around people. I hated what people were saying to me. I stayed home when my boyfriend wanted to go hang out with his friends and family. I stopped eating. I became angry. Women who use drugs constantly get pregnant. Women who abuse their children are blessed with children. Women who never do anything for their children because they're just a burden. They all are able to carry their babies full term. And me? I did the right things. I loved my baby without even hearing his/her heartbeat. My friends were saying stupid things like, Oh, there's always next time! You're young, you can just have another one! Tell me every single detail! God didn't think you were ready. God only gives you what you can handle, you'll come back from this! Well, it wasn't really a baby yet. And the worst slap in the face came from my own boyfriend who said, "This is why you don't tell people until after the first trimester." I became angry with him. How could he??? Why isn't he as upset as me? What the hell is his problem!!!
   We went to see our couples therapist who we had been seeing for a while prior to the pregnancy. I sat there quietly. Hating myself and the fact that other women are blessed so easily. When he finally brought up the pregnancy she (our therapist) asked me how I was feeling now. I stared at her as the tears streamed down my face and said nothing. She handed me tissues and began to tell me about her story. She had roughly 10 miscarriages before she became pregnant with her children. I dropped my guard. She knew. She understood what I was feeling. She talked about the anger she felt. The awful things people said to her. "People are insensitive after a miscarriage. Especially those who have never experienced a miscarriage." And she was right. They are. However, just as she stated, I learned that it's not their fault they are insensitive. They just don't know. I finally opened up as she finished talking about her experience and told her what my boyfriend had said to me and added, he was right. He was right. I should have kept my mouth shut until at least the second trimester. I was excited about my baby and I wanted the world to be excited with me. But he was right. I should have waited. I told my therapist that I felt angry with my boyfriend because he didn't seem to be upset. He was living life normally while I felt broken, hid in my home, and avoided talking to anyone. I told her, he doesn't understand. To which she told me, you're right. He doesn't. How can he? He will never experience what it's like to carry a life inside him regardless of whether or not you can feel it moving. Whether or not you can see it. Men will never understand. That's why he can continue to live his life. My boyfriend, I'm sure, felt like an ass. He stated he was upset. I believed him. I just knew he could never understand the level of pain I was feeling.
   I got better after 5-6 months. Started living life again. I was hanging out and talking with my friends again. Although to be honest, I still feel some anger occasionally. My boyfriend and I are actively trying to have a baby now. It's been a little over a year since the miscarriage. No positives at all. We have since bought our own house in the hopes of raising a family in it. My relationship with my boyfriend has gotten stronger since, but the baby making process is pretty difficult. That, I believe is better saved for another blog.