Trying to Conceive #1

Hello Blog World!
   So this week starts a somewhat important week for me in the baby making process. It's ovulation week. It's also my final cycle of trying to conceive on my own without seeing a specialist. I've decided and it's final!
   I'm at this point where we've tried everything! We bought one of those sperm count test kits for my boyfriend to test his junk. I'm taking prenatals to get my body used to them and to hopefully obtain the vitamins it could be missing. I'm measuring my basal body temperature and I'm using all the apps to get the recommendations.
   The boyfriend and I are both taking fertility blends who everyone swears by! They say they're the more "natural" way of getting pregnant instead of going to Clomid or Serophene. However, I have yet to see any results in a positive pregnancy. I've been taking them for roughly 5 months now. I will say that they are pretty fantastic in many other ways! So, the first day I took them, I felt somewhat of a cramp on my left side which was weird. But, other than that I really found no discomfort. As I continued to take them (3 a day), I found myself more and more energized. So, I really enjoyed that. As per usual, to my disappointment, Aunt Flow came for her monthly visit. However, her visit was not as unpleasant as usual. I'll be elaborating some on that so....
*TMI on it's way, so read ahead if you'd rather avoid! If you haven't left yet, you asked for it!*
When I first started getting my monthly visits, they were awful. The cramps were so unbearable, I would lay in bed for hours. I ended up taking acetaminophen to relieve the pain the first 2 days. My flow was ridiculously heavy for all 7 days and extremely irregular. As I became sexually active, my visits were more bearable and more regular. They were expected on the particular day at 8 a.m. The day before Aunt Flow shows up, I require a bag of hot Cheetos with cheese desperately. I don't know what it is, but that's the first sign. Day 1 of Aunt Flow's visit is usually light with cramps. Day 2 becomes heavy along with Day 3. Day 4 and 5 lighten up and Day 6 and 7 is just spotting. So with these Fertility Blends Aunt Flow comes for only 5 days, 6 max. Day 1 is spotting with Day 2 relatively heavy (however, not as heavy as usual). Day 3 and 4 it's really light and Day 5 is spotting. Day 6 sometimes will be extra spotting. Finally, the best part NO CRAMPS!!!
*TMI IS OVER, you may continue reading*
The Fertility Blends were also great when it came to eating. I'm usually hungry ALL THE TIME. However, they curved my hunger quite a bit. I'm sure that's partially the prenatals too. My body has a lot of the required vitamins needed now, so I don't feel the need to add all that food to get my vitamins.
   So we've tried everything that's in our control at this point. So this cycle is particularly special. If I don't get pregnant this time, I'm seeing a specialist. Part of the steps towards that is that this cycle, I've committed to drinking a gallon of water a day. I drink water for sure, but not that much. It's definitely a struggle. I'm also exercising which is the world struggle for me to date. I HATE to exercise. I would much rather be sitting in front of the TV, snuggled up with the boyfriend, and eating whatever the hell I want! Everyone talks about the endorphins when exercising, but I can't seem to get to that point. It depresses me if anything. Last week I worked out one day and I was sore for the entire week! I figured I better get my body used to it. So I stopped that week until it didn't hurt anymore. I'm back at it this week starting today, but I hate it. Maybe once I get into the groove, I'll enjoy it. Who knows. Yuck. (haha)
   After this cycle, we're planning on buying that Yo Sperm Kit. My boss at work showed me a video of it and what it does. It's actually really cool and it provides privacy for men to see what's going on with their junk! So, you order this kit for $49.95. It includes a mini microscope that attaches to your cell phone and 2 tests to test your sperm motility. So here's the dealio, you get to see the sperm motility through the mini microscope through your phone. There's an app you download so it guides you on how to do the test and actually see your swimmers in real time! So when it comes to fertility checks, they can definitely be crazy expensive. This test kit helps minimize just a little when it comes to that. You'll be able to save the video of the little swimmers and show it to your fertility specialist and hopefully avoid too many expensive tests.
   For the women who go through these lengths in trying to conceive, you go through all these range of emotions some people will never understand. Once Aunt Flow says her goodbyes, you get super excited to start trying again. All the sex! It's always fun for us. I look forward to it so much. The boyfriend and I have very opposite work schedules. So we don't always have time. Therein lies the fun for me. I like to come home after a shift (he's usually asleep because he works an 8-5 job) and surprise him. Ha! I mean, it's always so much fun! He does the same too every once in a while! After all the sex, you start to get more excited. It's almost time to start testing to see if you're pregnant. You get so excited, you buy a bunch of pregnancy tests you don't really need! You test early even though you're not supposed to. It's negative, duh. Okay, okay, it's negative, but I tested early. It's probably a false negative! So, you test the day before Aunt Flow's visit. Negative. Okay, it's probably still a false negative. Aunt Flow is late! Another negative. False negative, it has to be! Aunt Flow is finally here. Depression. Of course I'm not pregnant. Why would I be? I don't need all these pregnancy tests now. Oh, so and so is pregnant. Man. It's so easy for everyone. She says they weren't even trying. Damn. So and so said she's pregnant now. She always said she didn't want kids. What the hell? God must have a very sick sense of humor. Okay, no I didn't mean that. Please, I just don't understand how everyone else has kids so easily. What's wrong with me? And it's just a vicious cycle. Back and forth, back and forth.
   My words to this is, I know it's hard. And it sucks so bad. I'm not even going to lie, but I felt angry with myself so many times. But, I'm trying to learn to be easy on myself. I'm not an awful person for some of the things I think or say. So try to be kind to yourself during this process. It's easier said than done, but you're entitled to feel sad, angry, desperate, confused, happy. People will tell you that it will happen in time, to stop trying, to not think about it, that's it's not God's will right now, that be lucky that you're not experiences the pregnancy symptoms your friend is, and so many other things. You just want to punch them in the face or slap them. Be kind to yourself. It's okay to feel that way. These are the people who will never understand what you're going through. This is a struggle but we are all warriors in this life. We can rise and we can survive it.